Garbage games of 2015

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We’ve covered our favourite games of 2015, now it’s time to talk about the games of 2015 that were either colossal disappointments or such garbage that we’ve purged them from our memory, only to have them traumatically revisited in this list. In advance we apologise for hurting anyone’s feeling, this isn’t going to be pretty.

Evolve

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Evolve is the real monster.

Strong start to the list, all I can say about Evolve is that I’m still angry I spent money on it, actual money I could have used to buy food or nice things for my rabbits. Pegged as the next Left 4 Dead  the game pitted four hunters against a player controlled monster, and that’s it really. Playing as the hunters you spent what seemed like days tracking the monster through alien terrain trying to kill it before it got too strong, which it always did.

Not only was the gameplay mediocre at best, but prior to release 2K Games went utterly insane with preorder bonus malarkey. There were preoder bonuses announced before we had actually seen any footage of the game, so there is something fundamentally wrong with a game trying to sell shit before they give you anything to go on. It’s not like Evolve was a known quantity that had proved itself before. So after over-saturating the market with confusing and strange preorder bonuses (including preorder exclusive monsters), the game didn’t even deliver.

I don’t think I ever won once as the hunters, but then again I only played around five games before deciding staring out the window at my neighbours fence was more enjoyable. And you guys, it is so much more enjoyable, the fence has this overlapping post design which is nice in theory but is hideously dry and needs a coat of oil. One day I may even oil it so they come home surprised and then I’ll let them know that Evolve was fucking terrible.

Battlefield Hardline

battlefield hardline

Looks less painful than playing the game.

“Hey, let’s make a follow up to that successful shooter game we have but remove everything that makes it unique and put a weird focus on non lethal take downs that don’t really make narrative sense.” NEXT.

Batman: Arkham Knight (PC)

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“Is it the batcomputer that keeps crashing?” “No it’s this garbage port we’re in.”

Okay, so a little different than the other entries for this one. Batman: Arkham Knight was an okay game, it certainly wasn’t as good as its predecessors, but it was definitely playable. Unless you had it on PC, then it totally wasn’t playable. The port of this game, arguably one of the most hyped titles of the year, was handled so poorly that the devs had to concede it was fundamentally broken and start making it rain refunds.

The whole PC port debacle soured the game’s name and made it into more of an embarrassing stain than the lackluster conclusion to the Arkham trilogy it should have been.

 

The Order: 1886

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Pictured: Something instantly forgettable from the plot.

From the get go The Order: 1886 was painful to play. Here’s a note to developers, don’t make the first section of your game seem like it’s in slow motion because the protagonist is injured. Dragging Galahad’s bleeding arse around was the worst induction to a game in recent memory. I had no investment in this guy and making him move slower than a tortoise with multiple stab wounds made him instantly dislikeable.

Slow start aside, The Order: 1886 was a poor title for a number of reasons. The most unforgivable was failing to deliver on the amazing premise the game put forward. An order of supernatural knights in steampunk Victorian England that fight werewolves… HOW DID THEY MESS THAT UP?

Essentially the gameplay was a generic third person duck and cover game, the plot focused on all the wrong points and the twist at the end was so bland it was a borderline hate crime. SPOILER WARNING: It turned out someone who was a dick through the entire story was working for the enemy, surprising no one, and then it tried to be emotional as you killed this guy, but really it didn’t fucking matter and I didn’t hesitate to shoot the miserable bastard as quickly as I could. Oh and then the ending implies you become a vigilante like Batman, probably going around doing Victorian stuff like sitting still for hours to take a picture and then challenging chimney sweeps to a round of fisty cuffs.

 

Dishonourable mention: Konami

(Via Flickr https://www.flickr.com/photos/kazamatsuri/1418599952)

That guy you may have heard of who was soon to be Red Weddingd by Konami (Image Via Flickr)

Not exactly a game, but come on, Konami have turned into one of the most dislikable companies in existence. I would rather hang out with BP and dump oil directly onto a puffin’s nest than be involved with Konami. Every decision they have made reeks of a company run by a malevolent force rather than one that should be providing entertainment.

From cancelling PT, to banning Hideo Kojima from accepting an award for the game he made, Konami have defied logic and gone for the jugular of common decency. I look forward to seeing what they come up with in 2016. No doubt they will build a working deathstar but instead of being cool enough to destroy one of the rubbish planets like Pluto they will transform it into a giant pachinko machine that consistently sack taps Kojima.

Charlie will try not to give any tweets you send him a bad review @clbraith. Also don’t forget to follow @load_screen and like us on Facebook.

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