Spiders in games are not okay

Feature

– Charlie Braithwaite

As I’ve already discussed, I’m not a fan of certain enemies in games, previously it was dogs. Who wants to attack a dog? Seriously guys, it’s 2015. Okay, enough, with that, this week it isn’t about dogs. No, it is about their polar opposite, spiders. Fuck spiders.

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Fuck you and your beautiful house. (Image via Flickr user Tambako The Jaguar)

When I was younger I used every birthday wish attempting to eradicate them from this planet. It’s tough enough dealing with them in reality and that one scene in Return of the King, they should not being making cameos in every fantasy related game.

Take Skyrim for example, it is one of my all time favourite games, it is the perfect immersive experience, you can spend days literally picking flowers and stabbing dragons, it is amazing. But what isn’t amazing is one of the common enemies found in dungeons. Yup, massive fuck you to Frostbite Spiders. The sound they make when they move is like someone repeatedly dropping a car battery into a bathtub of cockroaches. Squishy in all the wrong ways.

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No amount of fire can cleanse this world of your existence.

Depending on my mood I’ve been known to straight up leave levels due to their presence. And this is just Skyrim, the eight legged monsters appear all over the freaking gaming universe. Anyone grow up playing Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine? If so, congratulations, you probably have the same spider dangling image as me brutally seared into your brain.

The most recent fuck you to arachnophobes was in the critically acclaimed Bloodborne, because of course it is. That game disregards any sense of user friendliness. I genuinely stopped playing the game after this point. I couldn’t even get my own screenshot of it because, fuck all of this.

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Photo courtesy of Tom, because I’m a little girl.

You can even see Tom attempt to kill it with fire here, as he was able to resist turning his PlayStation off.

Let’s just say I might just spend my days playing games where dogs are your friend and spiders don’t exist from now on… So I hope you look forward to reading my Nintendogs articles in the future.

You can send Charlie images of dead spiders on Twitter here @clbraith he’ll pay you per kill, and don’t forget to follow @load_screen and like us on Facebook

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