My night of speed dating pugs


– Charlie Braithwaite

Ever wanted to speed date a bunch of pugs? If you answered yes, you should download Hot Date immediately. The premise is simple, you are at a speed dating event for dogs where you meet a series of talking pugs. My night started pleasantly, I spoke to three different pugs, Doris, Wednesday and Thelma. What started as an interesting social experiment, turned weirdly sexual, then weirdly emotional followed by anti-Semitic, I’ve had worse dates. Let’s start at the beginning when I met Doris. To clarify, I am the blue text, my date is the pink text.


Contain your inappropriate arousal.

Doris was quite charming at first, we made small talk and gazed into the candles that divided us. She started out well put together and polite… until I asked her for some advice and things got weird. A few options for advice topics came up and I thought to myself, what the hell it’s a date, I’ll ask for romance advice.


You can unleash that inappropriate arousal now.

My night as an engaged 24 year old man playing a dog dating sim just got a whole lot creepier. I mean, sure Doris, you are charming, but this is our first date. I had to let her down when our time was up, she had come on too strong. Sorry Doris, you will find the right person one day, but it just isn’t me.


It was absolutely something you said.

Next up was Wednesday, she seemed a little shy and much less in my face with lust than Doris. I could tell Wednesday was smart, so I decided I’d try and sound intellectual and asked if she was a fan of a famous historical piece of art.


Okay then…

Well that killed the mood. I tried to save the night and find something we might both like. Why not ask about my favourite movie series, perhaps we could bond there?


It’s not what she said that got to me, it’s the way she said it.

Huh, you’re not really giving me much here Wednesday…. how about drinks? Do you like drinks?


Oh, I’m not sure they make that flavour anymore.

Well that pretty much ran down the clock on Wednesday. I said I’d see her again, if anything it was to see if I could score some of those gin Panda Pops.

What happened next I could not prepare myself for. The biggest digital asshole since Wario plopped herself opposite me, Thelma… forever that name will be tainted.


Take that!

Yes, I was an ass back. I said my name was Thelma just to mock her, don’t ever try to rush me. She liked that I was called Thelma too, and that was the last thing we agreed on. Thelma decided to tell a joke.


Interesting set up.

I could see where this was going, but would she really? Was it really worth riding that nuke of a terrible joke down just to degrade me?


Sigh, you’re only hurting yourself.

Okay Thelma, happy now, the mood is dead and I just want to go home. Are you at least just going to say you are just kidding? No, oh okay.


Arrogant and annoying. When should we get married?

Thelma then had to balls to ask me which historical figure I’d like to meet, not in the mood to engage this sociopath further I gave the ultimate flippant answer (yes it was a shit answer but whatever, I spent a night speed dating pugs, what are you doing with your life?).


Check please!

Oh, you like that? Okay well I am done, goodbye pugs. Maybe Thelma and Wednesday should get together and talk about the Bayeux Tapestry and Hitler. On second thought, I would play again just for that. DLC anyone?

Do you want to speed date Charlie’s rabbit? He can totally set that up for you on Twitter here @clbraith, and don’t forget to follow @load_screen and like us on Facebook.



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