So this past weekend I’ve been playing a fair bit of AFL Evolution, something which has been relatively painful for a number of reasons, but for now let’s take a long hard look at the commentary.
Those familiar with games like Madden and FIFA might take commentary for granted. For a solid decade the voice work in sport games has been seamless, to the point it feels like you might actually be watching a live game.
When it comes to AFL Evolution the commentary boils down to a broken GPS (Dennis Cometti) and a former player who talks mostly about himself (Matthew Richardson).
The broken stuttering flow is painful enough as it is, but the worst moments come when the AI brains fling out bloated turns of phrase that mean absolutely nothing. Here are some tasty tidbits from the collapsing synapses of an affront to god:
“That shot out like a chocolate bar from a slot machine” – Is that encouraging gambling in some weird convoluted way? Whatever it means, its presence on this planet is unnecessary and painful.
“Forget shooting fish in a barrel, this is shooting fish in a fish market” – Just because you thought of it doesn’t mean it needs to be said aloud.
“If this game were being played on water, the Blues would be walking on it” – You what…
“Sharing is caring”– Sure this could be normal, but after hearing it 10 times a game it starts to sound beyond stupid coming from a grown man.
“Kick as straight as a shopping trolley” – Actually what, what the fuck does that mean?
“Right now he looks like a man in a darkened room trying to find where the furniture is” – I’ll just let that sit. Really think about it. Think about how someone wrote it, and someone else read it and then it made it into a video game that you can purchase for money.